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Evita se Kossie Sikelela Launched at New Cape Town Indie Book Store, the Bay Bookshop
by Amanda on 15 Mar 2010 |
The launch of Evita’s Kossie Sikelela by Evita Bezuidenhout and Linda Vicquery at the city’s newest independent book shop, the Bay Bookshop in the Cape Quarter, was a sumptuous affair. Proprietor Pierre Engel said the book was a credit to South African cookery. He welcomed the country’s most famous white woman, helping her up to the podium. There she celebrated the virtual cutting of the shop’s virtual ribbon – the real one having inconveniently been forgotten in the excitement of the new event.She said, “I am very happy to cut the ribbon. It doesn’t have to be a real ribbon. After all, when we say, ‘Viva democracy!’ it doesn’t have to be a real democracy.”
Tannie Evita looked stunning in navy and white polka dots and pearls. She said she was amazed to be there at all, considering that she’d just dropped in to the kitchen at Parliament where she was overseeing the preparations for tomorrow’s lunch. “Lots of people are fighting each other in Parliament; the ANC Youth League is fighting the ANC who’s fighting COSATU who’s fighting the Communists and whatnot! They wanted the country, I say let them sort it out! Alle wĂŞreld, we are so relieved not to be involved any more.”
As soon as she was done in the kitchen somebody asked her to look in on the new Zuma children, “Two little babies, they’re called Z-43 and Z-49, and of course ek is nou vol sjokolade. I am full of little fingerprints of little Zumettes. Any mothers or grandmothers here in the audience will know that we do like to suffer under the fingerprints of our beloved grandchildren, and then one of them grabbed my hair and started to pull and I said, ‘My kind, my kind, oppas, dis nie Zoeloe hare nie.’”
Then there was the traffic to overcome. “As you know we’re getting ready for the World Cup and if 16 cars can’t pass in an hour, how are 60 000 people going to pass in a minute?”
Breathless but glamorous she kept the audience enraptured with her behind-the-scenes gossip. The book came from a box full of recipes torn out of Huisgenoot and De Kat, “even though one can never understand what’s written there”. It was prompted and compiled by the expert chef and illustrator from Provence, France, Linda Vicquery as Mrs Bezuidenhout felt she was too busy running the country.
“Buy the cookery book but don’t think I’m standing behind you,” she advised. “When you go into that recipe you’re going to be cooking for your own mouth! Not mine. You must say, ‘Nee wat, Tannie Evita, there’s too much butter.’ This is a good thing to say. It won’t taste as good, but your heart will keep beating without the butter.”
Evita pointed out the joys of Halaal and Kosher cooking were included in the book – although not on the same page. “When your Halaal guests come You must never panic. You must just find out. You have to wash your hands. You mustn’t touch certain things. The dog and the cat can’t be in the room. You must find out.”
She urged the chefs in the audience to experiment. “There’s no such thing as a flop. A flop becomes a new recipe. Take malva pudding for example. That’s not a flop. Who’d ever have thought of something so effective to shut up Winnie Mandela? Every time she talks we give it to her and her teeth stick fast.”
What a wild time! Congratulations to the Bay Bookshop on the official opening of their Cape Quarter doors.
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Book details
- Evita’s Kossie Sikelela by Evita Bezuidenhout, Pieter-Dirk Uys, Linda Vicquery
EAN: 9781415200902
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- Evita se Kossie Sikelela deur Evita Bezuidenhout, Linda Vicquery
EAN: 9781415200919
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- Evita’s Kossie Sikelela by Evita Bezuidenhout, Pieter-Dirk Uys, Linda Vicquery
Why am I writing about teeth? If I had to write about Malema, I'd open my wrists in the bath
by Ben Trovato on 12 Mar 2010 | Funny things, teeth. They have a lot in common with women. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. If you don’t pay them plenty of attention, they fall apart. And they frequently bite the hand that feeds them.
Why am I writing about teeth? Why not? If I had to write about Julius Malema, I would end up drinking a bottle of vodka and opening my wrists in the bath. I may do that for a laugh, anyway.
Besides, teeth are becoming something of an issue thanks to a deprived childhood. We couldn’t afford milk so I have no calcium in my body. For a treat, my mother would give us strawberry-flavoured battery acid.
The other day I was gnawing on a chunk of biltong Brenda had tossed to me as a reward for good behaviour when the north face of my top right molar sheared off like an Arctic glacier succumbing to global warming.
I braced myself for the kind of pain one might expect to feel moments after sitting on a PMA-2 blast mine.
Minutes passed and I felt nothing. Then days went by. Still nothing. I cautiously unbraced myself. Brenda said she wasn’t surprised because it had been years since I had last showed signs of feeling anything at all.
I said this is what happens when a wife emotionally eviscerates and psychologically emasculates her husband over a long period of time. She made a cry-baby face and pretended to play the violin.
I kept my face the way it was and playfully pretended to cut off her oxygen supply.
She brought her knee up into my groin and, moments before I lost consciousness, I discovered that I could, in fact, feel.
And while you can’t take every traumatised testicle to the doctor, you do have to take mangled molars and crumbled cuspids to the dentist. However, I wouldn’t do it solely for cosmetic reasons. Broken teeth are nothing new to me and I have been told that they lend a certain charm to my face. Of course, people who say this sort of thing tend to view teeth as an absurd pretension of the upper classes and generally pass the time idly swinging from the bottom rung of the social ladder.
Frankly, like most married men, I no longer care what I look like. If you are in a monogamous relationship, which, if I value my life, apparently I am, there seems little point in spending time making yourself look presentable. I am blessed with a wife who doesn’t seem to notice what I look like. But, like all blessings, this comes with its own auxiliary curses. For example, she doesn’t seem to notice that I need regular feeding, watering and fondling, either.
So it is perhaps understandable that, as one lets oneself go, one’s mouth might begin to look as if a tiny car bomb had exploded inside it. I am left spitting out shrapnel while the Plaque Revolutionary Front and the Tartar Liberation Organisation bicker over claims of responsibility.
No, I do not need the perfect American smile to enhance my visage. The only reason I want teeth is so that I can eat like a real man. I am not one of your postmodern men whose diet is meticulously restricted to protein-boosted smoothies and high-energy gruel. I like my food like my women – hard and crunchy. None of this slurpy, sucky nonsense for me. When I eat, I want to hear things splinter and shatter. I want to feel as if I am pulverising something. I want to hear my food scream as my incisors tear it apart. I want to feel things struggle to escape the grinding of my powerful jaws. Brenda says I am an aggressive eater. What the hell does that even mean?
Lag lekker met Piet Swanepoel se Marico se mambas
by Chris on 09 Mar 2010 | 
In Marico se mambas neem Piet Swanepoel die leser terug na die Vrystaat en Transvaal van net ná die Groot Trek tot in die 1940’s. Dis die wêreld van wilde boere, transportryery, jag, oorlogservarings; liegstories en spookstories.Mens is hier op die terrein van vertellers soos Jan Spies en Elias P. Nel. Die skryfstyl is nugter en leesbaar, die humor ongeforseerd en oorspronklik.
In “Dem Foel” het ’n boer met goeie bedoelings sonde met sy Engelse buurman. In “Marico se mambas” moet ’n boer sy danspassies ken om slang se kind te ontwyk. In “Pagel se sirkus” boesem miesies Pagel se skerp tong vrees in mens en dier in. Daar is stories oor sterk manne, die legendariese Waterbobbejaan en nog baie meer.
Oor die skrywer
Piet Swanepoel het onder andere sewe digbundels vir kinders by Human & Rousseau uitgegee en staan in die gemeenskap bekend as Piet Rympies of die Rympiesman.
Verskeie van sy gedigte word opgeneem in onder andere DJ Opperman se Kleuterverseboek en Klein Verseboek. Later volg nog ’n digbundel, Groen, by HAUM. Hy bly tans op Rondavelskraal (Rympiesfontein) naby Groot Marico, waar hy en sy vrou, Harriet, die tydloosheid van die bosveld geniet. Waar dinge amper nog net dieselfde is as toe Herman Charles Bosman die Marico soveel jare gelede op papier vasgelê het.
Boekbesonderhede
- Marico se mambas deur Piet Swanepoel
Boektuisblad
EAN: 9780798150699
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- Marico se mambas deur Piet Swanepoel
Kerneels Breytenbach gesels met Tannie Evita oor Kossie Sikelela en ou vriende
by Amanda on 09 Mar 2010 | 
Evita Bezuidenhout is deesdae ‘n besige dame met die bekendstelling van haar nuwe boek Evita se Kossie Sikelela. Die boek is propvol smulresepte en skreeusnaakse stories. Kerneels Breytenbach het names Rapport sy stoute skoene aangetrek en met die “grande dame” gaan gesels oor die boek, resepte en van Evita se vrinne en ervaringe.Moenie verder soek vir ’n portret van ons tyd – en aptyt – nie.
Evita Bezuidenhout staan trots, guitig en stralend op haar omslag. En dis reg só. Sy’t rede. Met een slag wend sy haar volle glorie aan om ’n uitlokkende, leesbare resepteboek te skep.
Van die vindingryke omslag (wat dadelik van die boek ’n versamelstuk maak) tot by die register agterin is Kossie Sikelelaanders. Daar’s baie wat jou laat lag, en nog meer wat jou kombuis toe stuur. Boonop met ’n woord vooraf deur Sophia Loren, die enigste vrou wat ta’ Evita in die skadu stel aangaande volrondheid!
Boekbesonderhede
- Evita se Kossie Sikelela deur Evita Bezuidenhout, Linda Vicquery
EAN: 9781415200919
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- Evita’s Kossie Sikelela by Evita Bezuidenhout, illustrated by Linda Vicquery
EAN: 9781415200902
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- Evita se Kossie Sikelela deur Evita Bezuidenhout, Linda Vicquery
Ndumiso Ngcobo: Willing to Take Random Potshots at Anyone Who Says "Ayoba"
by Tim on 08 Mar 2010 | 
Ndumiso Ngcobo’s latest Sunday Times column:To all those Bafana strikers who sport mohawks and yell ‘Ayoba’ with gay abandon, we are officially at loggerheads
Most people believe murder is illegal. Technically, this is not true. Killing people is only unlawful if you don’t have a polyester uniform and shiny boots. I believe good ole Pravin Gordhan will be splurging about R30.715-billion (give or take a few million down the tendepreneurial black hole) this fiscal year alone on the overweight guys and gals in fatigues who have the license to kill on our behalf.
Book details
- Some of My Best Friends are White: Subversive Thoughts From An Urban Zulu Warrior by Ndumiso Ngcobo
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EAN: 9781920137182
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Some of My Best Friends are White
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- Is It Coz I’m Black? by Ndumiso Ngcobo
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EAN: 9781920137250
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- Some of My Best Friends are White: Subversive Thoughts From An Urban Zulu Warrior by Ndumiso Ngcobo
WADA, wada, wada: My guide to southern Africa's most popular, erm, herbal remedies
by Ben Trovato on 05 Mar 2010 | Fifa is worried that soccer players at the World Cup could use stimulants derived from traditional African medicines that aren’t on the list of banned substances.
Fifa medical committee chairman Michel D’Hooghe said he wanted the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) to analyse African plants that could give athletes an unfair advantage.
“If we don’t have control over these specific traditional medicines, then we can’t say we have control over all the medication in football.”
Well, let me give you a hand, Mr D’Hooghe, if that’s your real name. After all, you can’t be expected to know the names and properties of everything that grows in the country.
- Dagga: SA’s most popular herbal remedy helps alleviate a number of physical and mental problems such as manual labour, premenstrual wives and Sunday afternoons. Not commonly regarded as a great performance enhancer outside of laughter therapy groups. Heightens perceptions, usually of being arrested.
- Juliusoria Malemaris: a stubby, resilient vegetable with a thick, fleshy epidermis. Does not do well in poor conditions and must be watered regularly with Moët & Chandon. More of a depressant than a stimulant. Repeated exposure leads to delusions of grandeur. Vomiting may result if taken in large doses.
- Jacobulata Zumarensis: has powerful roots but can be easily displaced every five years. Recognisable by its unusual style, swollen stamen and constantly growing stigma. Has a machine-gun instead of a pistil. A fast reproducer, it is part of a broader organic system that contains nuts. Has been known to provide users with an unfair advantage. Side-effects of prolonged use include immense wealth or imprisonment.
- Helenii Zillespora: a sub-genus of the Venus Fly Trap family, this small but perfectly formed flowering tree is capable of changing its appearance on a weekly basis. It thrives on attention and yet has no visible means of support. Has been known to cause indigestion among its natural enemies. Mildly hallucinatory, its bark is worse than its bite.
- Pieteranthus Mulderata: a non-indigenous hybrid that thrives on farmland. It leaves a bitter taste in the mouth and needs to be crushed, then diluted with one part tolerance and two parts acceptance. Its powerful properties have all but disappeared over the past 15 years. Moves are under way to permanently eliminate this alien growth. Limited in its performance-enhancing abilities, it is likely to find itself on the list of banned substances by 2020.
- Dannyosa Jordaanifera: an interesting genetic mix, this rather miserable-looking specimen should not be taken lightly. Eaten raw with a side dish of lightly grilled Bafanaspicata, it has been known to provoke feelings of misplaced patriotism. Approach with cautious optimism.
- Bennimonium McCarthyllum: a distant relative of Bafanaspicata, it should be taken with a pinch of salt. This rare, indigenous alien needs to be handled gently. Pay it a lot of attention or a lot of money and there is a good chance it will shoot.
Mr D’Hooghe, you should also be aware that sangomas are preparing a special batch of muti that will make our national side invisible. After the first round you won’t see them again.
Evita se Perron Launch for Evita's Kossie Sikelela
by Amanda on 03 Mar 2010 | You are invited to a launch of the South African cookbook that only Tannie Evita could have produced – at her home, Evita se Perron!The launch will be followed by Evita’s current show, “A Koeksister for Zuma”, at 2pm. To book, please phone Beryl on 022 492-3930.
To attend the launch, RSVPing is essential:
Event Details
- Date: Saturday, 06 March 2010
- Time: 10:30 AM for 11:00 AM
- Venue: Evita se Perron, Arcadia St
Darling | Map - RSVP: Book League, 022 492 2667
See you there!
A few pics from “A Koeksister for Zuma” taken at this week’s Woordfees in Stellenbosch:
Book Details
- Evita’s Kossie Sikelela by Evita Bezuidenhout, Pieter-Dirk Uys, illustrated by Linda Vicquery
EAN: 9781415200902
Find this book with BOOK Finder!
- Evita se Kossie Sikelela deur Evita Bezuidenhout, Linda Vicquery
EAN: 9781415200919
Find this book with BOOK Finder!
My repulsive loin fruit, Clive, showed no interest in golf until Tiger got bust
by Ben Trovato on 03 Mar 2010 | The image of golf has suffered terribly as a result of Tiger Woods’ breach of marital etiquette. Yes, I can see how that might happen. I was thinking of taking it up, but then Tiger ruined it for me by making a billion dollars a year and sleeping with dozens of beautiful women.
I, for one, will have no truck with such filth. Instead, I shall take up a sport in which I stand to make no money at all and get to sweat so heavily that I attract stray dogs rather than hot girls.
You have to hand it to the Americans. You can get caught pimping underage immigrants to support your heroin habit, but if you squeeze a drop of glycerine into each eye and go on TV and apologise and say you’re taking gender sensitivity classes and checking yourself into rehab, the nation will rise up and applaud you.
This applies to celebrities more than it does to garbage collectors and other members of the proletariat, whose mea culpa is generally described as a confession rather than a courageous admission of their human frailty. It only works for Americans, though. When British actor Hugh Grant’s willy accidentally fell into a prostitute’s mouth while the two of them were discussing the Middle East crisis in a side street off Sunset Boulevard on June 27 1995, he never tried to “rehab” his way out of it.
His laddish grin on the Los Angeles police department’s mug shot said it all. What happened in the car that night – that was the treatment. Let us be clear on that. Suffering from a prolonged dearth of fellatio, Mr Grant had his ailment treated by the nearest qualified person, nurse Divine Brown. Tiger, on the other hand, speaks for 13 minutes and convinces the world he is a very sick man deserving of our sympathy.
Halfway into his statement, something very strange happened. I began feeling as if I had done something wrong. As he spoke, the burden of guilt lifted from his shoulders and settled on mine. He was pulling some kind of weird voodoo stunt and getting away with it.
He blamed the media for daring to suggest his perfect Swedish wife, Elin, had clubbed him like a baby seal on that terrible Thanksgiving evening.
“It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that.”
I hung my head in shame.
“Elin never hit me that night or any other night.”
Brenda snorted: “Some Viking she is.”
Tiger went on: “There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage.”
Well, maybe there should have been. You would be surprised at how effectively sexual tension can be relieved by smacking one another around for an hour or so. It works for Brenda and me.
“I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. Thanks to money and fame, I didn’t have to go far to find them.”
And the problem is what, exactly? This is precisely why fame and fortune are a tad more in demand than, say, obscurity and penury. What is the point of being rich and powerful if you’re going to be like the rest of us and go home to a cold, hostile wife who puts your dinner plate on the floor and expects you to get down on all fours and eat it like a dog?
We are the way we are only because we are too goddamn lazy to work relentlessly at something until we are so ridiculously good at it that people line up to throw money at us just to watch us do whatever it is that we do.
Tiger apologised to parents who pointed to him as a role model for kids. What rubbish. Show me a teenage boy who spent weeks sobbing in his room after hearing his hero’s idea of relaxation was to check into a R40000-a-night hotel, drop a little A-grade ecstasy, and lick Beluga caviar off the quivering thighs of naked porn stars while cocktail waitresses queued in the corridor. Show me that boy and I will show you a pervert in the making.
My repulsive loin fruit, Clive, showed no interest in golf until Tiger got bust. Now all he wants to do is get his hands on a bagful of clubs, Ambien and one of those Thai masseuses who work in the house across the road. That’s my boy.
Instead of being lauded for making golf an aspirational sport, Tiger was forced to grovel. Shocking, really, and a scathing indictment on what kind of world we are bringing our children into. Hooking and slicing his way through the rough, he played a freaky shot that put him on the green and into the bunker at the same time.
“It’s hard to admit that I need help, but I do. For 45 days from the end of December to early February, I was in in-patient therapy receiving guidance for the issues I’m facing. I have a long way to go.”
Right there, the attitude of millions of people watching Tiger beat himself up went from self-righteous disapproval to a weird mix of empathy and pride. You did bad, Tiger, but you’re dealing with your problem and we’re proud.
Zapiro's ZA News Starts Airing on Summit TV TONIGHT
by Thando on 02 Mar 2010 | 
Zapiro is a busy political cartoonist these days, with our nation’s, erm, leaders providing more than ample fodder for his sharp wit. DStv subscribers will be able to enjoy his ZA News – a satirical puppet TV show based on his drawings, created by Thierry Cassuto – on Summit TV as of today, March 2nd 2010.The Summit clips will be the same as those aired on the internet – see below for a sample!
Zapiro’s latest collection of cartoons is Don’t Mess with the President’s Head.
A satirical puppet show, the brainchild of cartoonist Zapiro and producer Thierry Cassuto, will hit the screens tomorrow evening, after it was yanked from the SABC line-up two years ago just before it was to debut on the state broadcaster.
The project had been partially funded by the SABC, which spent R1-million to create a pilot video in 2008, initially called ZNews. It was never screened, with the SABC citing finances and the sensitivity of viewers before pulling out of project.
At the time the show was canned, Jonathan Shapiro, better known as cartoonist Zapiro, said he was not surprised.
Watch the latest ZA News broadcast here:
- Not loading? Watch on ZANEWSTV
Book details
- Don’t Mess with the President’s Head: Zapiro Annual 2009 by Zapiro
EAN: 9781770097575
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Zuma: not exhilarating. Mfeketo: still comfort eating. Parliament: a deadly place.
by Ben Trovato on 01 Mar 2010 | Exhilarating is not a word that immediately springs to mind. First, President Zuma told us what state the nation was in.
During his speech, the dinosaurs became extinct, the Ice Age came and went and humans learnt to walk upright.
Then, just when I feared my heart would explode from the excitement, finance minister Pravin Gordhan wrapped up his budget speech after having been at the podium since Rommel was in Africa.
The only way I could stay awake this week was by wedging matchsticks into my eyes, smoking ridiculous amounts of crystal meth and drinking barrels of coffee liberally laced with amphetamine sulphate. Even so I was yawning like a hippo stuck in a mud pool with nothing to read.
At one point, things turned really wild. During debate on Zuma’s state of the nation address – which wasn’t so much an address as it was a felonious band of words with no fixed abode – COPE’s Mluleki George had the nerve to exercise his right to freedom of speech and suggest that the nation was “deliberately being led to lawlessness”.
Deputy Speaker Nomaindia Mfeketo ruled him out of order although he didn’t seem at all broken to me. Then she instructed him to withdraw his remark on the grounds that it insulted the president.
“But I never mentioned the president,” stammered the bewildered George.
“I don’t care. This is my house and I won’t stand for it,” shouted Mfeketo. “You at the back, put your hand down. This is not a debate.”
“Actually …” said George. “Right, that’s it. You’re out.”
So off he went, taking his party as well as the DA and the ID with him, leaving only the ANC and a smattering of perplexed MPs whose grasp of English prevented them from fully understanding what was going on.
Events Calendar
Book Chat Latest
March 15, 2010, 4:47 pm
Rustum Kozain on JM Coetzee: Unamused Aussie (Video)I would not say Grand Vizier; I am but an [...]
March 15, 2010, 4:36 pm
Helen on JM Coetzee: Unamused Aussie (Video)You are the Grand Vizier of links, Rustumio.
March 15, 2010, 4:19 pm
Ben - Editor on JM Coetzee: Unamused Aussie (Video)Thanks, Rustum - that's the one link I couldn't find.
March 15, 2010, 4:15 pm
Rustum Kozain on JM Coetzee: Unamused Aussie (Video)Helen, Dyer writes across a range, biography to fiction. But [...]
March 15, 2010, 4:08 pm
Helen on JM Coetzee: Unamused Aussie (Video)Is it just me, or does JMC hesitate, then use [...]
March 15, 2010, 4:07 pm
Louis Greenberg on JM Coetzee: Unamused Aussie (Video)http://www.guardian.co.uk/theobserver/2008/jun/22/bookscomment: Dyer relates another meeting of minds with Coetzee in [...]
March 15, 2010, 4:03 pm
Louis Greenberg on JM Coetzee: Unamused Aussie (Video)Oh, PS - I like your :- , Fiona, but [...]
March 15, 2010, 3:48 pm
Helen on JM Coetzee: Unamused Aussie (Video)Of course, I thought this was hysterical.
March 15, 2010, 3:12 pm
Rustum Kozain on JM Coetzee: Unamused Aussie (Video)If I was Geoff Dyer, I would worry that there [...]
March 15, 2010, 3:11 pm
Ben - Editor on Malema Watch: "The Mouth" Guilty of Hate Speech and HarassmentMalema's set to appeal, of course: http://www.mg.co.za/article/2010-03-15-malema-to-appeal-hatespeech-ruling
Feb
